Questions to Ask Before Marriage
The practical conversations worth having before the big day, one card at a time.
- Time
- 30–60 min
- Players
- Two players, no turns
- Best for
- Engaged couples and big talks
- Deck
- 100 questions in 5 categories
How to use these questions to ask before marriage
- Pick a category from the menu under the card, or keep “All categories”.
- Read the question on the top card aloud and both answer it.
- Swipe the card away, or tap “Next question”, for the next one. Questions do not repeat until you have seen the whole category.
- Tap the heart to save a question on this device, or tap “Make a 10-question list” for a list you can copy.
When to ask questions before marriage
These are big questions, so give them a calm evening rather than a rushed one. They go best at home, with time to finish the conversation.
A quiet weeknight at home
A few cards from Home life after dinner. The everyday questions are often the ones that matter most.
Right after you get engaged
Money and Family and kids, while you are already talking about the future.
A long drive
Work and the future fills hours of road, and nobody has to make eye contact for the hard parts.
Ways to talk through these questions
One category a week
Pick a category each week, a few cards a night. Money one week, Home life the next. Big topics are easier in small pieces.
Answer separately first
Each of you writes a short answer before reading it out. That way neither answer bends toward the other one.
Save the unfinished ones
Tap the heart on any question you want to come back to. A question you have not settled yet is a good sign you are taking it seriously.
Keeping the conversation kind
- You are on the same side. Every question is about what the two of you will build.
- Different answers are useful. They show you what to plan for together.
- Take breaks. Some of these need a walk, a night’s sleep or a second talk.
All 100 questions to ask before marriage by category
The complete list, grouped by category. The cards above draw from the same list, so you can read ahead here and play there.
Money
Saving, spending, debt and what feels like a fair split.
- How did your family talk about money when you were growing up?
- Are you more of a saver or a spender, and how does that show up day to day?
- Should we combine our money, keep it separate, or do a bit of both?
- What debts or loans should I know about before we marry?
- How much could one of us spend without checking with the other first?
- What would financial security look like to you ten years from now?
- How should we split costs if one of us earns a lot more than the other?
- What’s something you’d happily spend on that might surprise me?
Show all 20 in MoneyShow fewer
- How do you feel about lending money to family or friends?
- Would you rather rent for flexibility or save hard to buy a home?
- How big an emergency fund do you need before you feel calm?
- Who would you like to handle the bills, or should we take turns?
- How do you feel about a monthly check-in on our budget?
- What’s a money habit of yours you’d like to change?
- How much do you think a wedding should cost, if we have one?
- How do you feel about giving to causes, and how much feels right?
- What would we cut back on first if money got tight?
- How would you feel if one of us took a pay cut for a job they love?
- When should we start saving for retirement, and how seriously?
- What’s a big purchase you’re hoping to make in the next five years?
Home life
Chores, routines, health and the everyday shape of sharing a place.
- How clean does a home need to be for you to relax in it?
- Which chores do you honestly not mind, and which do you dread?
- How should we split housework so neither of us keeps score?
- Do you need a corner of the home that’s just yours?
- Would you like a pet one day, and what sort?
- What does a normal weeknight look like for you after work?
- How often are you happy to have guests stay over?
- Are you an early sleeper or a late one, and how do we make that work?
Show all 20 in Home lifeShow fewer
- Who will cook most nights, or should we take turns?
- How much time alone do you need each week to feel like yourself?
- What’s a habit of mine you’d want to talk about before we share a home?
- How do you like to look after your health, and how can I support it?
- How should we cope if one of us is ill or injured for a long stretch?
- How do you feel about phones at the dinner table or in bed?
- Would you rather live somewhere busy or somewhere quiet?
- How do you want our home to feel when people walk in?
- How should we choose furniture and decor when our tastes differ?
- What does a good morning routine look like for you?
- How do you feel about a shared calendar for plans and chores?
- Which household jobs do you think you’re better at than me?
Family and kids
Parents, relatives, children and the holidays that bring everyone together.
- How do you feel about having kids, and when?
- If we have kids, how many feels right to you?
- How would you feel if having children didn’t go the way we planned?
- How do you feel about adoption or fostering?
- What parts of how you were raised would you keep, and what would you change?
- How should we share the work of parenting if we have children?
- How often would you like to see your family once we’re married?
- How should we respond if a relative disagrees with a choice we make?
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- Would you ever want a parent to live with us, and under what conditions?
- Where should we spend the holidays, and how should we take turns?
- Which family traditions matter most to you?
- How much time do you want with your own friends, without me?
- How should we handle it if one of us doesn’t click with the other’s friends?
- How involved would you like grandparents to be with any kids we have?
- How would you want to handle discipline if we had kids?
- How would you feel about one of us staying home with children for a while?
- What do you need from me when your family is stressful?
- Should our families hear about big decisions before or after we make them?
- Which birthdays and holidays do you love to make a fuss about?
- How do you feel about family visits that last longer than a weekend?
Disagreements
How you argue, how you make up, and how you keep trust intact.
- How do you like to make up after a disagreement?
- In a disagreement, do you need time to cool off or to talk it through right away?
- What did disagreements look like in your home growing up?
- What’s a phrase that shuts you down when we disagree?
- How can I tell when you’re upset but haven’t said so yet?
- How do you feel about being the one to apologize first?
- Is it ever okay to go to bed angry, or should we always settle it first?
- How would you feel about seeing a counselor together if we got stuck?
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- Is there an issue we keep circling that we should settle before the wedding?
- How do you want to handle it when one of us breaks a promise?
- What does a fair fight mean to you?
- How do you prefer to hear criticism: gently, directly, or in writing?
- Which topics do you find hardest to bring up with me?
- How should we make a big decision when we can’t agree?
- What helps you feel heard when you’re frustrated?
- How should we handle jealousy if it ever comes up?
- How do you feel about bringing friends or family into our disagreements?
- How often should we check in about how our relationship is going?
- What’s something you’d never want us to do to each other, even when angry?
- How do you rebuild trust after it’s been bruised?
Work and the future
Careers, moves and the plans you’ll be making for decades.
- How important is your career compared with the rest of your life?
- Would you move to another city or country for a job, and would you move for mine?
- How do you feel about living near family versus far away?
- How would you feel about going back to school or changing careers later on?
- How many hours of work a week feels healthy to you?
- How should we decide whose career comes first at a given moment?
- What does retirement look like to you, and when would you like it to start?
- What would we do if one of us lost a job tomorrow?
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- How do you feel about starting a business someday?
- How do you feel about a job with lots of travel, for either of us?
- What personal goal do you want to reach in the next five years?
- How do you want us to care for our parents as they get older?
- When should we write wills and talk through what we’d each want?
- How often do you want to sit down and revisit our plans as a couple?
- What do you hope people say about our marriage in twenty years?
- Could you handle a long-distance stretch if work required it?
- How will we know our marriage is going well?
- What’s one thing you want to be sure we agree on before we marry?
- What does a good balance between work and home look like to you?
- How much vacation time a year feels right, and how should we spend it?
Frequently asked questions
How many questions to ask before marriage are there?
There are 100 questions, 20 in each of five categories: money, home life, family and kids, disagreements, and work and the future. The cards and the list on this page use the same set.
When should couples talk about these questions?
Any time before the wedding, and the earlier the better. Many couples start once they are talking about marriage seriously, and come back to the questions after they are engaged.
What if we answer a question differently?
That is what the questions are for. Different answers tell you where to plan together. Talk it through, and if something feels big, take your time with it.
Do these replace premarital counseling?
No. They are a way to start conversations at home. If you want guidance on a topic that comes up, a counselor can help you work through it.